Anxiety is my least favorite thing in the whole world. I truly hate it. It has controlled too much of my life. People who have no experience with anxiety would just say to not let it control your life but that's easier said then done. As is the case with most things that torment our lives.
I had my first bout with anxiety when I was twenty. I was on Mt Hood with my boyfriend and best friend at the time and we were staying in a strange place and I just felt uncontrollable fear. There was no explained reason for it and it terrified me. I'd never experienced feelings like that before and I can still remember to this day how I felt. Which means a lot because I can't remember most things. Eventually I got calmed down and was able to get a couple hours of sleep. From there on it was down hill.
I'm sure everyone feels different when they are having a panic attack but it's all scary. Here are things I feel when I am having one; racing heart beat, hot, the urge to cry, like I can't swallow, I can't focus, and there's just this overwhelming feeling of having no control. Even now, nine years later, when I have them they take a toll on me. An average attack for me only lasts about ten minutes and usually if I have a panic attack I won't have another one in a day. Anxiety can be felt all day though. There have been several things I have missed because I just couldn't get rid of the feeling and didn't want it to turn into an attack while I was out in public.
After having a couple of attacks I had my mom take me to urgent care. I had no idea what was going on with me. They wanted to prescribe me some antidepressants but I refused. There was no way I wanted to depend on a drug to be "normal". The doctor explained that I was probably having panic attacks so I went home researched them. Right before I turned twenty-five I did hit a breaking point and did get on the antidepressants. Unfortunately they did not help with my anxiety at all.
I think the first year that I had them was probably the worst. Just because I didn't understand what was going on and it was so scary. I didn't realize how many people also dealt with these attacks either so at the time I felt like I was the only one. There was at least a week if not longer where I had horrible anxiety everyday and I really thought I was going to have to be committed.
Since my first panic attack I have learned to deal with it much better. I got a prescription for xanax for instant relief of an attack or pending doom feeling. I know some things that will inevitably make me have anxiety so I try my best to avoid them. I got into therapy as well where I learned I probably always had anxiety but just didn't realize it. Joy, another thing wrong with me for eternity. There is a ton of literature out there regarding anxiety and my favorite is From Panic to Power. This book really helped me at what was my weakest point in my "battle". Although my anxiety still exists (more then I'd like to admit) I try to push myself a little harder every year to do things I would normally avoid just so I wouldn't have to deal with an attack.
The brain is a crazy thing. You would think it would be so much easier to control but it's not. I'm not a huge fan of mine and wish I could get a new one. We all know that's impossible so I do what I can to live with the one I have. There are worse things in the world then having horrible anxiety and I'm aware of that but that little fact doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I know it's all in my head and so does every other person who suffers from panic attacks so just to let everyone know we don't need to be reminded of this fact ;)
*Me 1985
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