Day 24 - Traveling

I'm not much of a traveler. I don't know if I ever have been since we were a poor family and vacations to us were camping trips. There's just something about being far from home that I don't like. It makes me uneasy. The older I get the less I like and the shorter my trips out of town get. This can be a good thing thought because traveling is expensive.

People are always talking about how they'd like to go all these places like out of the country and I just don't have that desire. There's nothing about going to a foreign country where I won't know the language that appeals to me. I could just see myself all frustrated in another country because I can't understand anything or anyone. Not exciting in my eyes.

Perhaps my fear of flying has taken over my brain? I've been scared of it for so long that it totally could have affected the way I think about traveling. Damn the brain again!

I feel like I should want to travel for some reason. Like it should be normal to want to explore new places and see cool things. I guess I'm just boring. I would like to open up more to the idea of it though.

*Me in Whistler, British Columbia, Canada 2000

Day 23 - Goals

I'm not really the kind of person who has ever set goals. Maybe it's because no one has ever expected much our of me? It's just not something I did in the past. I think I never thought I'd amount to much anyway so I figured I didn't need to think about the future.

My least favorite question in interviews is "where do you see yourself in five years". I never had an answer because I never think that far ahead. I live day to day and that has always seemed fine to me. Then one day I just felt like I needed something to aspire to. I have done ok for myself but I could always do better.

There has to be something for me to work towards. Without goals I feel like I'll never be driven to do anything with myself. There's a weird need for me to accomplish something more then I already have. This feeling has never been around before. Twenty-nine has brought so many weird new feelings and thoughts into my world. I'm not sure if it is because I dreaded thirty so much that I want to make sure that I lose all these "bad" habits before or what but it's kind of nice. It's almost like I"m nesting for turning thirty instead of for having a child.

I now have a list of things I want to do. Not just tomorrow or this month but in the next five years and in my life. I haven't been able to take many of the steps to make these things happen yet but it will all fall into place eventually. Now that I have the goals I need to learn how to make them happen.

*Kelly, Tissy, and I in Newport 1997

Day 22 - Anxiety

Anxiety is my least favorite thing in the whole world. I truly hate it. It has controlled too much of my life. People who have no experience with anxiety would just say to not let it control your life but that's easier said then done. As is the case with most things that torment our lives.

I had my first bout with anxiety when I was twenty. I was on Mt Hood with my boyfriend and best friend at the time and we were staying in a strange place and I just felt uncontrollable fear. There was no explained reason for it and it terrified me. I'd never experienced feelings like that before and I can still remember to this day how I felt. Which means a lot because I can't remember most things. Eventually I got calmed down and was able to get a couple hours of sleep. From there on it was down hill.

I'm sure everyone feels different when they are having a panic attack but it's all scary. Here are things I feel when I am having one; racing heart beat, hot, the urge to cry, like I can't swallow, I can't focus, and there's just this overwhelming feeling of having no control. Even now, nine years later, when I have them they take a toll on me. An average attack for me only lasts about ten minutes and usually if I have a panic attack I won't have another one in a day. Anxiety can be felt all day though. There have been several things I have missed because I just couldn't get rid of the feeling and didn't want it to turn into an attack while I was out in public.

After having a couple of attacks I had my mom take me to urgent care. I had no idea what was going on with me. They wanted to prescribe me some antidepressants but I refused. There was no way I wanted to depend on a drug to be "normal". The doctor explained that I was probably having panic attacks so I went home researched them. Right before I turned twenty-five I did hit a breaking point and did get on the antidepressants. Unfortunately they did not help with my anxiety at all.

I think the first year that I had them was probably the worst. Just because I didn't understand what was going on and it was so scary. I didn't realize how many people also dealt with these attacks either so at the time I felt like I was the only one. There was at least a week if not longer where I had horrible anxiety everyday and I really thought I was going to have to be committed.

Since my first panic attack I have learned to deal with it much better. I got a prescription for xanax for instant relief of an attack or pending doom feeling. I know some things that will inevitably make me have anxiety so I try my best to avoid them. I got into therapy as well where I learned I probably always had anxiety but just didn't realize it. Joy, another thing wrong with me for eternity. There is a ton of literature out there regarding anxiety and my favorite is From Panic to Power. This book really helped me at what was my weakest point in my "battle". Although my anxiety still exists (more then I'd like to admit) I try to push myself a little harder every year to do things I would normally avoid just so I wouldn't have to deal with an attack.

The brain is a crazy thing. You would think it would be so much easier to control but it's not. I'm not a huge fan of mine and wish I could get a new one. We all know that's impossible so I do what I can to live with the one I have. There are worse things in the world then having horrible anxiety and I'm aware of that but that little fact doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I know it's all in my head and so does every other person who suffers from panic attacks so just to let everyone know we don't need to be reminded of this fact ;)

*Me 1985

Day 21 - Fashion

Fashion has never been one of my top priorities. If you knew me prior to 99 then you know what I'm talking about. I was such a tomboy and I look back at pics and I'm embarrassed. Baggy jeans and old t-shirts were my main pieces of clothing. I also went through a phase where I wore nothing but old lady shirts. What was I thinking? There also wasn't any makeup in my life.

I finally got out of those trends but still didn't have a grasp on what looked good on me. My figure is a little tricky and really always has been. I've always been a larger girl which makes shopping unbearable at times. The stuff that looks cute on skinny chicks obviously doesn't look good on fat girls. It's so depressing but if I wanted to change it then I would work a lot harder. I dreaded shopping for years because it was so embarrassing to try on clothes. I love shopping for my skinny friends much more then I do for myself. There are just so many more options.

There was also a phase of letting the twins hang out too. Maybe I was searching for attention at the time? I can't believe some of the shirts I would wear without a cami underneath it. I have more low cut shirts then anything else.

Going on What Not to Wear would probably be best for me. Even now I prefer baggier jeans just because I can't stand when fat girls wear jeans that are too small and then their belly just hangs over. It's so gross and really how can they now know they look like that? I think I've definitely learned how to dress my body better with age. No need to flaunt the stuff and form fitting stuff is ok when worn appropriately. I have an all new love for shoes lately too. If I were rich I'd have a problem for sure.

*Vickie, Tricia, Jessica, and I at a party 1994 or 1995

Day 20 - Affection

I'm fairly sure that my parents didn't give me much love as a child. I don't remember ever being tucked in or just getting random hugs and kisses. I don't even recall hearing I love you when I was younger. This is not to say that they didn't love me but it just just wasn't vocalized or physically shown much. I wasn't always the most affectionate person in the world either because of this. It actually weirded me out to hug people for a long time. I didn't really understand why people did it because it wasn't something I was really familiar with.

Once I got old enough to understand that affection was normal I passed it out left and right. Mainly to the babies in my life. I think it's very important that children know they are loved and what better way to show them then to shower them with hugs and kisses?

Sometimes I'm still kind of awkward when it comes to showing love but I'm learning. You never know when just a simple action like giving someone a hug can make a difference in someones day so go out and give out some hugs! I never even had an affection boyfriend until recently and it's shown me how much I love affection. There were too many years of my life without it.

*Anna and I 2009

Day 19 - Family Part 1

My relationship with my family has always been a strained one. It's most likely that it always will be too since some people will never change. I have so much internal conflict with several members of my immediate family and as much as I try to work on it I just can't let some things go.

To start off I have six parents, yes that's right six. Actually I would say I have four parents because my biological father doesn't deserve the title as a parent. Maybe just writing this blog will help me even more to deal with the pain I have.

Lets start with the sperm doner. My parents started very young and as we all know men mature slower then women so why would you expect a sixteen year old boy to be able to parent a child? Why not add to that and have another baby 10 months later. Sounds like a genius plan to me! Anyway, my biological parents got married when they were sixteen and had two kids by the time they were seventeen. As if that's not stressful enough try throwing in a very ill child into that mix. My brother was born with a bad heart just like my mother except for he couldn't survive his. He died when he was just two years old. I couldn't even imagine the pain that would cause parents let alone teenage parents. I was basically a replacement child. My mother didn't want my sister to be an only child so they had me when they were twenty. Their young marriage couldn't withstand babies so young and a death of a child and so they got divorced.

I know nothing of my biological father. He would come and take my sister for the weekend and leave me at home. He never paid child support and every time we would figure out where he worked he would get a new job. Way to be a deadbeat! I will never understand how a person can know they have children and not care about how they are or be considered about how they are being raised. It's as if he just provided the goods and went on his way. This of course had a direct effect on my mother. Randomly through the years my sister would be in touch with him and he'd want me to join them for dinner or for meeting up but I mostly refused. Why should I even give him the opportunity to know anything about me when he doesn't deserve it? My sister allowed him to be in her life but usually just when she needed something. Now that she has Ella he's apart of her life and I'm not a fan. He'll be at her birthday parties and we just ignore each other. I'm fine with this because I have nothing to say to him but I wish he could be the “adult” on the situation and perhaps say hi to me. The damage has been done and It's pretty deep.

At the age of two my adopted father came into my life. He officially adopted my sister and I on valentines day of 1985. I always considered my adopted father my dad. I call him dad and always will. He stepped in and took care of my mother, sister, and I. By no means was he perfect but he was always there for me. In 1990 my parents got in a huge fight with physical violence and we moved to Beaverton with my soon to be step dad. I was so sad to leave my dad. Even though I knew what he had done was not right I needed him in my life. I was never close to my mom and I was daddy's little girl so it was traumatic for me to be moving so far from my dad.

After we first moved up to Beaverton I saw my dad once in awhile and then it seemed to get less and less. I'm not exactly sure how it went down but my mom moved out when I was twelve and my dad moved in. It was just the two of us, which was a dream come true to me. He let me get away with far too much and I enjoyed it but looking back know it wasn't the way to raise a teenager at all. We lived together for two years and then my mom decided she wanted me to move back in with her. I was not a fan of this idea at all because we never had a good relationship. My opinion didn't matter though and my mother came and moved all my stuff over to her place while I was at school one day. She got the wrath for her actions though. After that I rarely saw my dad and he didn't even come to my graduation. I had worked so hard to get my diploma and I was looking for him during the whole ceremony and he wasn't there. I was devastated! He was the one person I thought I could actually rely on and he didn't even tell me he wouldn't be there. We didn't talk after that for three years. Now I know of his demands and I try to understand. He's apologized time and time again for the wrong he did and that takes a pretty big person. Now we talk and see each other much more often and I love it. He will always be my daddy.

My step father came into my life when I was nine and we moved to Beaverton. I was not his number one fan at all because I already had a dad and didn't need a replacement one. The poor guys was only twenty-two and here he was taking on a twenty-nine year old woman and her two daughters (12 & 9). I give him kudos for sticking it out. We are not easy women to deal with at all! He was as good to us as a twenty-two year old could be. When I was fifteen he slapped me for talking back to my mother and I slapped him back. If that doesn't tell you something about our relationship then I don't know what will. To this day I still feel bad for him. What kind of life could he of had if he wouldn't have gotten stuck with us? Neither he nor my adopted dad ever got to have their own children and I've always wondered how they feel about that. I know they consider us theirs but I also know that that's not the same.

Now to my sister. Oh my sister.... I have openly admitted to her that if we weren't sisters we would never have been friends or anything close to it. We are completely opposite people in the way we think and act. It's DeDe's world and we just live in and since she had my niece it's ten times as bad. The way she thinks drives e crazy, as if she's the only one that exists. I know we are all guilty of being selfish at times but she blows it out of the water. If she didn't have my niece we probably wouldn't even be talking. There have been several times in our lives where we gone without speaking and sadly it didn't really bother me.

My mother is a special person and deserves her own blog! What have I learned from my family? That family will mess up more then anyone else in your life. For some reason we feel like we can treat the people that “have” to love us horrible and expect them to still love us. I'm not a real believer in this because if you treat me like shit I'm not going to love you just because you're my family. I have also learned to just keep my mouth shut. My family will always have my back and I know at least that much is true.

*Step mom Kim, dad Carey, me, mom Barb, step dad Chris

Day 18 - Flakiness

Flakiness is definitely one of my top three least favorite qualities in people. Seriously, how hard is it to just make a commitment and actually keep it? I've always expected people to be able to do anything I can but I know most people just lack drive and motivation so that's not fair to do.

I'm not sure why but flaky people seem to be drawn to me. I know far too many people with this quality and I wish I didn't. Why is committing so damn hard for people? Either you want to do something or you don't it seems pretty easy and I'm a strong believer in the making what you want to happen, happen.

I couldn't even tell you how many times I've had parties or little get together's and people just bail the day of. I usually give tons of notice too so it's not like the excuse of not being able to find a sitter in time or stuff like really works on me. It's so rude! Or at least I think it is and I guess that's just my opinion and opinions are like assholes after all..... I never flake unless something serious comes up and when I do I feel horrible about it.

In the last year I've really been trying to not hold it against people so much. There's just too many people like that so if I stay upset at someone every time they bail on me then I would be spending far too much time upset. Now I just keep a mental tally of how many times people flake on me and once they get to three I just stop inviting them to stuff. Obviously I'm not important enough as their friend for them not to make excuses or put an effort into making something happen so why should I be wasting my energy inviting them to stuff?

*Maria, Nicole, me, Kristin New Years 2006

Day 17 - Religion

I'm agnostic which means I believe in a higher power but I wouldn't call it God necessarily. There's got to be something that makes things happen, right? Like we're just a very large video game and someone has a WII remote making us drive or decide to call a friend. I was not raised in a religious family and this is just the belief I took on. My mom was baptized Mormon if you can believe that but obviously is not practicing! My sister is religious when it's beneficial for her but I've never known her to go to church or pray.

I have attended several churches in my life. They were all Christian churches (I think). Nothing has ever gotten through though. I think it would be awesome to believe in God and believe that there's really something up there looking out for you but it's just too unbelievable for me. I'm more of a tangible person. If I can't touch it or see it for that matter then it's hard for me to believe in something. It's got to be comforting to feel like you always have something on your side. To me there's just no proof that God ever existed besides stories. Does this mean I should believe in bears that live in trees and talk too?

What holds me back the most I think is the fact that all the horrible things happen in the world. Children die of diseases before they've even lived, women are violently raped, people kill other people, and all kinds of other horrific events. If there such a person that can control everything on this earth then why not make it so these terrible things don't happen?? I've asked this question to a religious person before and their answer was that "without suffering we can't fully live". Not sure how I feel about that. I'm pretty sure I could live a pretty full life without being raped.

I don't have many friends that are religious but I don't treat the ones that are any different just because they believe in God. Everyone should be treated equally, right? There are so many religious people I have noticed who do not act like this. As if I'm such a horrible person just because I don't praise God. Shouldn't all of "Gods people" treat everyone kindly unless they do them wrong? Maybe I just have a skewed perception of how a religious person should act though.

Even though it's doubtful I'll change my views in my next thirty years I'm still open to the idea. If something happened that made me a believer then so be it.

*Katie and I 2010

Day 16 - Alcohol

Where so I even start with this topic? I started drinking at the ripe age of thirteen. It started with Zima and ice cream and for years after that my relationship with alcohol was a tricky one.

I think a lot of teens experiment with drinking but I hope they don't start as young as I did. I could drink and drink and drink and would barely get buzzed. This went on for years. It was really weird and my friends didn't believe me but what did they know, they were drunk lol I would often buy a fifth of peach vodka and just drink it on the rocks. I'd finish the whole bottle myself and still be "normal". I don't even want to know the amount of alcohol I have put in my body!

At first drinking was just for partying for me. Then I started to drink when I was depressed. Soon after that the anxiety started and I would drink so I wouldn't have anxiety for things. I'm the first to admit I haven't always had a healthy relationship with booze. Drinking is liquid courage and who doesn't want to feel free?

As I got older I would actually get drunk. I didn't like it though and I definitely didn't like the side affects. I never got a hangover until I was about 25. They are the worst!!!!!! It turned out drinking would actually give me anxiety the next day so my once "cure" for anxiety was now creating more of it. The only option was to not drink as much or at all. My life had always had so much drinking in it though so I knew it would be rough.

A couple years ago I decided I didn't like drinking heavily anymore. Really I decided a couple years before that but it's just so easy to get sucked in when a majority of your friends also have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I know far too many people who don't know their limits and I feel we're a little old for that. People have to realize things like that on their own though so I try to mind my business.

The last year I have been doing really great. I still drink but I rarely get drunk. It's usually a social thing but I'm well aware of my limits (even if occasionally I pass them). I'm fully capable of going to a bar and just drinking a beer or even just drinking water. I don't even like bars anymore and haven't forever. These days I'd rather just go to someones house and play games or just hang out. Why do I need to spend thirty dollars at a bar where I can't hear anyone when I can get a twelve pack for thirteen and actually have a conversation with a friend? I'll also have a beer or glass of wine with dinner sometimes. My friends often bitch because I don't want to get drunk with them. Which I find really odd, am I a better person when I'm drunk? I don't need to drink to have fun, although sometimes it's a bonus.

*Tabitha and I 2008

Day 15 - About me

I thought it would be nice to take a break from the regular blog and maybe just do something fun. So I'm going to write thirty things about me that people may not know. Hopefully I'll be able to think of thirty things............

1) I'm terrified of wind turbines

2) The older I get the more I enjoy silence

3) I'm missing two teeth

4) I still have all of my wisdom teeth

5) I've never had anesthesia

6) I wanted to be a back up dancer when I was younger

7) Traveling far from home is not something I enjoy

8) Shirley temple is my favorite drink

9) I cut my own hair

10) I know every word to Hook

11) The last presidential election was the first time I voted

12) I like to read about the holocaust

13) I'm not a huge fan of people

14) I'm totally gray already

15) My closet is color and shirt length coordinated

16) I love to play sports

17) The farthest east I've been is Reno, NV

18) I've only lived by myself once for one year

19) I very rarely raise my voice

20) I hate olives except on pizza

21) I like popping zits (don't lie, you do too)

22) I smoked for 8 years

23) I never go anywhere without a water bottle

24) I hate doing dishes

25) Air conditioning is my favorite invention

26) After my cats pass that I have now I never want another again

27) My favorite ice cream topping is Marshmallow sauce

28) I was kicked out of preschool for beating up boys

29) I can't spell very well

30) Dancing is one of my most favorite things to do ever

*Me at my 25th bday party

Day 14 - TV

Man do I love TV! Especially reality TV. I'm not afraid to admit it and I know some people just don't get it. There's something about being able to watch other peoples lives that I like. Especially since their lives are way more dramatic then mine. I don't do the drama in my own life but I like to watch it.

DVR is the worst creation ever. I only had a VCR until probably a year ago. I would have tapes stacked with weeks of programs recorded. At least then I could only watch a couple shows because I didn't have enough tapes and could only tape two at at time. Now I can just pile on the shows. It's horrible! I think my DVR was eighty to ninety percent full from when I got it until I lost my job. There just wasn't enough time in my day to do everything I wanted and to watch all shows I wanted to. I'm as committed to my shows as I am to my relationships and that's probably not normal lol.

I'm working on cutting out some shows now that I realize how much TV I actually do watch. I'd love to spend more time outdoors, hanging with my bf, friends, and my niece, and reading. TV rots your brain after all and mine is already messed up so don't need to harm it anymore.

*Sarah, me, and Anna 2009

Day 13 - Optimisim

I have spent all my life being very pessimistic. Even though I knew it affected people I never really realized how much it sucked until recently. My life has been a rough one with many long hard roads and I let that control how I felt far too long.

If I had a bad morning I would surely have a bad afternoon and usually a bad evening too. I know I did this to myself and I wish I would have realized a decade ago that you really can be in charge of how you feel in most situations. I think it was just easier to stay down and feel sorry for myself rather then search for the good that is going on in my life. Focusing on the bad that happened and remember all the bad before that is such a bad habit to have.

I've always said I'm glad to have had a "rough" childhood because it made me a stronger person. I'm capable of doing pretty much anything on my own and don't rely on people for much. Being like this has made me cold though. I have used all these bad things as an excuse to be ok with being miserable. I don't know why it took me so long to realize this but I finally did.

Now when something bad happens I just tell myself that it's not the end of the world. I remind myself it could always be worse and that I control how I feel about it. Sure I still have days where I just can't bump out of the funk right away but they are far and fewer between now then they ever have been before. I'm a work in progress ;)

*Me camping in 2010

Day 12 - Children

There are several topics I have been avoiding writing about just because they make me sad or make me talk about stuff I'd rather ignore. I'm infamous for avoiding feelings. I guess there's no time like the present to start the not so fun stuff.

I have always wanted to be a mother. I was one of those little girls who played with my dolls for hours on end and they were all my babies. They all had special names and I was the best little mommy ever.

I like to believe that everyone has a purpose here on earth (even though for several dozen people I still wonder what theirs could possibly be!). For some reason I always thought mine was to be a mother. To bring wonderful little Crysie juniors into the world and raise them better then I was raised. There can never be enough tree lovers in the world ;)

The actual thought of being a mother terrified the shit out of me for many years. There are just so many things you can do wrong. You really can't control 100% how your child will turn out. You could be the best parent ever and give your child everything and they could still turn out to be a murderer. It happens! I worried I would be too paranoid of a parent because I'm already overly cautious (for most things) with myself. Seriously, I could probably go on for days about all the things I worried about bringing children into this world but I thought it would be worth it in the end.

When I was eighteen I started dating a guy that at the time didn't want to have kids. I figured we were young and he'd probably change his mind once we got older. Well years passed and he still didn't so I did eventually break it off with him because it was definitely something I wanted. At that point in life I wasn't willing to give up that dream.

Well I'm stupid and continued to love the guy regardless. I spent a couple years debating on what I would do. Was I willing to give up what I really wanted for the man I love. The answer is yes, I was ready to make that sacrifice. In the end it didn't matter anyway because that wasn't good enough.

I thought about it a lot for along time and the reality of me having children just wasn't likely. First of all I have never wanted to give birth to my own children. Once I learned where babies really came from I never wanted to be pregnant. This may seem odd since I wanted to have so many children but the whole process repulses me. I've seen a live birth and it was pretty amazing but still totally disgusting. There's few things as creepy as something living in you! Secondly adoption and surrogacy are expensive and such a long progress. There's no way I'll ever be close enough to having enough money to pay for either. Lastly, I don't want to have kids past the age of 35. I always wanted to be a "young" mom, and I don't mean sixteen and pregnant. My mother had all her children by the time she was twenty and it's nice to know she'll probably be around well past several of my friends parents. I don't want to be the sixty year old who has a kid graduating from high school. Since I was turning thirty in the coming up year I figured there wasn't much chance for me to fall in love with someone new and get the adoption process started so why bother.

Now I'm ok with my decision. Sure sometimes I get upset at the thought that no one will ever call me mom or that my niece will never have cousins from me. I think that will always linger a bit since it was something I wanted for so long.

People may think that I changed what I wanted in life to be what someone else desired. I had to think about it more because of the situation but it's not like. Really I couldn't even imagine my life with kids. I enjoy doing what I want to do when I want to do far too often and I despise being woke up. I think it has all worked out for the best.

I'm lucky to have many little ones in my life. I have two god children and two twelve year old girls I consider my own. They love me and I can enjoy all the great things about kids and still get to return them ;)

*Shawn, Samantha, Kyra, Shawn 2008

Day 11 - Being Polite

It's true that I have been known as a bitch because I am brutally honest most the time. Even though that has been said there is no deny that I am still a polite person. I'm not even sure that I was raised to be one necessarily but some where along the way I picked it up and I'm grateful.

No matter who I'm talking to I always say thank you and please. Doesn't matter if you're a stranger that holds the door open for me or my friend of twenty years I put a very large effort into always being polite. I say Bless You to anyone who sneezes no matter where I am as well. I often get really weird stares when I bless people in the store or walking down the street. It's not that weird to me but I like to think that they are happy that someone did that.

It drives me really crazy when people don't say please when asking for things. I feel like when they don't that they are demanding of the person rather then asking for something. I'm not sure why I let it annoy me so much but I catch myself telling people Please for other people all the time. This happens most with couples I know. People that have been together for years and I guess they just don't feel like they need to be nice anymore. It's sad and I hope I never treat someone I love like that. Although I'm sure not many people are as sensitive about it as I am since there's such a lack of it.

Another thing that agitates me is when people don't hold the door open for other or don't say thank you when you do. Is it so hard to mutter two words when someone is being polite? Or to hold a door open when you're clearly going through it right before someone instead of letting it slam on them?? I have notice this happens more often the older I get. As if people just aren't teaching manners anymore, which wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Maybe this was more of a rant more than anything but I'm ok with that :)

*Lindsey and I 2009

Day 10 - Sleep

Oh how do I love sleep, now.... When I was ten a man came flying through my living room window and for over a decade after that I didn't sleep much. Actually I still have problems at time. I would spend my late nights cleaning, reading, and watching movies. Then I would doze off for a couple hours and start my day. This was my life for far too long.

Even though I often ran on two or three hours of sleep I was rarely tired. Then every couple weeks I would sleep for like twelve hours. When I was in high school my friends often teased me about being on drugs because while they slept I would clean up after all of them. It wasn't until I got into my early twenties that I realized the toll not sleeping was having on my body.

When I was twenty-two my boyfriend at the time worked with me and it finally got a little better. I started taking melatonin and going to bed at an earlier time. I noticed a little difference in my attitude and I felt more rested then I had before. Sadly our relationship ended and then I moved into a one bedroom apartment and my problems started all over again. Living by myself did not help my insomnia. Consequently, I haven't lived alone since.

Battling with insomnia sucks much more then I could ever explain. It's one of those things you'd never understand unless you dealt with it. Being that I dealt with it for so many years it really did a number on me. I wish my parents would have gotten me help for it when I was younger. People gripe about my needed sleep and what is required for that to happen and I just wish for a week they could be in my shoes and really understand what it's like. Perhaps then they'd have a different perspective.

I know I can survive just fine on five hours of sleep but I know it's not healthy to do that nightly. To this day I still don't get "tired" until well past midnight so I have to make myself go to bed before that or I'm in trouble. I also can nap now, I could never do this before, and it's amazing! Now I just love sleeping. That being said I still have sleeping issues. I can't fall asleep to noise (unless I'm super exhausted which is rare) and I often wake up throughout the night. I'm not sure which is worse. On those nights I just can't fall asleep I have little tricks I do that help. I'm hoping that my sleeping problems will go away entirely.

*Kristin, Brie, and I 2008

Day 9 - Death

Another thing I used to be terrified of was dying. I would often worry how I would die, what it's like, and what happens after you're dead. I'm not religious in any way so I don't believe in the whole heaven or hell business. Yeah, it's nice to think there's some beautiful place we go to after we die where every day is great but that doesn't seem very realistic to me.

It's weird to think about the fact that one day you won't be awake and breathing one day. Like it's just all over. No more seeing beautiful blue skies or hearing your loved ones voices. It's not something that's fun to think about but it's inevitable. It's not something you can control which for me makes it even scarier.

Over the last couple years I've tried to not worry about it as much. I've realized that I can't prevent it so why waste my time freaking myself out? I'd rather be out there having fun and making memories then stressing out about death. Now I try to live by the motto, if it's my time to go then it's my time to go. I can just hope that when I do go it's not too early in my life.

*Me and baby Chase 2010

Day 8 - Education

I have never been what I would call book smarts but I have some wicked common sense :) I never really thought book smarts was as important as "street" smarts. I'm still not sure that I do but I realize now that most people wouldn't agree. Now a little history :)

My Sophomore year in high school my parents decided to move me to Troutdale and I was not a happy camper. I couldn't believe they would uproot me like that. I guess since we had moved so much before I shouldn't have been surprised!

Troutdale was a horrible place and my high school was even worse. I didn't do so hot the rest of my Sophomore year and half way through my Junior I decided I'd drop out and move back to Beaverton. What the hell was I thinking????????? At the time I wanted to piss off my parents and I just couldn't be in that town anymore. I went from having tons of friends to having like five and I just hated it there. It didn't help at all that none of my friends from Beaverton ever came down there to visit (I should have learned my lesson then about some people).

I went back to Sunset my senior year and technically started as a Junior. I had to take sixteen credits to graduate on time. That's a shit ton if you didn't know (and I was working of course). It was so hard going to two schools and working, especially during my senior year, but I knew I had made my bed and now I had to lie in it. I actually consider graduating on time my biggest accomplishment (I was 3rd to get my diploma after my dad and step dad). Most people would have given up but I stuck it out and made it happen.

After high school I did attend college for a year and a half. I majored in Psychology but there were problems with my loan and I lost it and couldn't afford to keep going. My college career was short and then I just went full force into working.

Now I realize that most employers care about a piece of paper that stands for spending hours upon hours of your time listening to teachers. Not that I don't like school because I do. It just frustrates me that I already know how to do my job and yet a piece of paper would make me worth so much more. I suppose there's always more you can learn though.

In winter I will be going back to college as a 30 year old freshman, super! I'll be the first in my family to have a college degree though and that's exciting. I know I'll feel great once I'm done and that makes it worth it. I'm all about bettering myself these days and continuing my education is a good step.

*My sister and I 1986

Day 7 - Food

It's safe to say that I have never been a "skinny" person. I've always had curves and I don't think it's even possible for me to ever be a size 2. Some people just aren't built like that or at least that's what I've always told myself. I have tried my hand at at least a dozen diets.

My relationship to food has always been bad. I often turn to food for comfort and it's not carrots and grapes that I go for. I love carbs and greasy food!!!!!!!!! They are just so yummy when I'm depressed and I just can't help myself. Food will obviously never solve a problem I'm having so why I am I so prone to eat them when I'm feeling down? I guess it's a quick fix and it's easy to get so I just do it. Then I feel like utter crap because I've been weak.

At the beginning of the year I was doing really great at eating healthier and not splurging as much on high fat/ high calorie food. It's the best feeling to lose weight! As soon as something bad happens though I turn right back to comfort food. I haven't yet perfected the skill of not eating what I want when I actually want it and it's so frustrating. Why don't I have the will power to just say no or grab an apple instead?

I have learned that healthy food can be just as delicious when prepared correctly. Once again I'm going to give it my all to drop some much needed lbs. I don't want to be unhealthy for my next 30 years.

*Randy and I 2010

Day 6 - Honesty

I have always been a blunt person. If I have something to say I'll usually say it no matter what. If you ask my opinion I'll give it to you whether it's something you want to hear or not. Unfortunately this isn't something that every person can handle. Many people consider this honest nature of mine as bitchiness. Of course I don't agree but people are usually too sensitive. If you appreciate the truth then I'm the person you want to ask if you're going to cry when you don't like the truth you should avoid me ;)

I try to cushion my honesty more now days. Just because I can handle what people say doesn't mean that everyone can or that they should. People are different and I have learned that there's usually a better way of being honest then just blurting something out. No one wants to be considered a bitch and I definitely don't want to be hurting peoples feelings. I still believe that honesty is the best policy but I have to remind myself to tone it down ans be sensitive to how people will take what I'm saying.

Short and sweet today..... sorry not very motivated

*Travis, me, and Jonathan 1994

Day 5 - Brain fart

I'm having one of those days where I have several great ideas but when I finally got to my laptop I was brain dead. As if I wasn't capable of just coming up with something super on the spot. Well I guess I'm not...... Perhaps it's because I'm tired and I should have written earlier? Oh slacking, I'm so great at it......

I don't recall in my youth ever having as much trouble with my memory but my mom says I have always had a bad memory. Now days I sometimes can't remember what happened the day before. I'll leave a room to go to another and not even remember why I did it. Please someone tell me this is normal and I'm not going to be the youngest case of Alzheimer's in the record books.

While we are on the topic, my grandmother got diagnosed with Alzheimer's when I was probably fifteen and ever since then I have been terrified of losing my memory. As if one day it's just going to be gone overnight and I'm going to wake up and not know who I am. I know that's not how it really works but the mind of a crazy lady works in different ways ;) The disease is such a hard one to understand and I have to admit that for several years I didn't even want to see my grandma because of all the pain it caused me. Yes I realize this is selfish and makes me feel badly but it was just too unbearable at the time.

For years I have held on to random things that I always thought would keep my memories alive and I've also taken millions of pics. Pictures, after all, are a forever memory. This of course caused a lot of boxes and clutter. Thankfully I realized this before I ended up on an episode of Hoarders but it was still tough to let go of some of the stuff (it's an on going battle). Now I just stick to my pictures. Computer space isn't as messy!

*Whitney and I 2010

Day 4 - Time

Time sure does fly by! I swear when I was in high school a week felt like a month and a month felt like a year. It felt like Friday would never come and that the school days just dragged on. Oh how I wish I could go back to those days and just enjoy it.

It seems that every year since I graduated has gone by faster and faster and honestly it terrifies me. I feel like I'll never have time to get everything accomplished that I want to. Like the last 10 years of my life have just flown by and I didn't even notice. It's crazy! How can I already be turning thirty when I feel like twenty was just yesterday?

So now that time seems to go by so much faster I try to embrace the good in my life. I've been working on spending quality time with the people that are dearest to me and clearing out the people that create chaos. I've also been trying to spend more time with my family. My niece is two and half now and I don't want to miss a thing with her. Before I'd be to busy doing a million things but now I try to see her at least once a week.

You never know what tomorrow will bring. I had a hard hit with this reality last year when a friend from school committed suicide. It wasn't the first time I had dealt with a suicide (sadly I have known two other people that have done the same selfish act) but this one really hit home. Noah and I went to school together from seventh grade until we graduated and had a couple years where were hanging out with the same group of people so we had spent a good amount of time together. He was the kindest person ever and I always enjoyed running into him.

When I got the news of his death I was devastated. I just remember thinking, Why? How does a handsome young man who was loved by so many decide that life just wasn't worth it? How does it get that bad? I am no stranger to depression but death has never been an option for me. I had no idea how hard his battle had been. You never know who is silently suffering so now I try to watch how I make people feel. By no means have I perfected this skill but I mind my P's and Q's a lot more now days.

*Ella and I 2010

Day 3 - Taking it easy

I have always been known and as a busy body. For most of my life there's hardly ever been down time. I kept busy during my school days with sports, orchestra, and working. Then into adult life I just kept things rolling. There's always a birthday, baby shower, wedding, camping trip, ladies night, or any other kind of event and until recently I would attend them all. I also took Gymnastics classes, played softball, and dodge ball at different times. Not to mention having two to three jobs on top of that. "No" wasn't really in my vocabulary. My theory was that if someone took the time to invite me to something then they must really want me there and I don't want to hurt my friends feelings.

Having as many friends as I do it's easy to have full weekends or even weeks. There seems to always be someone who wants to hang out and I love my friends and want to see them. In the last year or two I've finally realized that I'm not super woman anymore and it's perfectly normal to just say no when I already have things going on. No more running around like crazy trying to make every event in a day that I was invited to. There are still times when I'm double (or maybe triple) book myself and I just don't know how I did it for so long. I couldn't even tell you how many things I've gone to that I didn't want to. Maybe is my new favorite word because if I say yes than I'm going whether I want to or not. :)

I never liked spending time by myself because I feared it so much. Being alone with my crazy brain is just dangerous at times (tehe). I worry about the stupidest stuff and create havoc in my own life from it. I'm not even sure what changed but now I enjoy staying home having me time. This is something I never thought I would appreciate. People have always said to me that I needed to have down time and I never believed them. Boy was I wrong and I think I might like it a little too much now days. I have a new love for peace and quiet!

*My senior picture

Day 2 - Forgiveness

Most people know that the Stichlers are not very forgiving people. We can hold grudges like no others. Not really something to be proud of but it's the truth. If you do me wrong it's most likely that I won't be speaking with you again or at least not on my own free will. I'm lucky to have a lot of great friends so the loss of one really doesn't make much of an impact on my life.

I am not perfect in any way, shape, or form nor do I claim to be but I also don't do shitastic things to my friends. I am a woman of my word and I like to think I am a good person. This is why I tend to take people not being good friends so personally. I think that it's pretty much common sense that you shouldn't do to others what you wouldn't want done to you. People mess up, it's just apart of life, but most things are preventable if you just use your brain.

It would be nice to believe that people can change but I have a hard time grasping that concept. It's been my experience that once you figure out a person is a certain way then they usually remain that way. In the last year I've really tried to be more forgiving. There are some things that just aren't' forgivable in my eyes though. Am I a bad person for expecting people in my life to treat me good and not lie or do shitty things to me?

I have learned that it takes twice as much energy to dislike someone then it does to like someone. Maybe I won't have certain people in my life when they've done me wrong but eternally I'd like to forgive them and move on. Life is too short to hold grudges so I'm really going to work even harder on this after dooms day. Forgiveness equals peace of mind in a way and the older I get the more I want that.

*Me during my sophomore year in High school

Day 1 - Success

I have dreaded turning thirty since the day I turned twenty-nine. Why is thirty so damn scary to me? It's just a number after all and I shouldn't let just that bring me down. Thirty, it's half way to sixty, which is ancient in my eyes but I supposed there was a time when I felt thirty was ancient as well. Really I'm just scared by the fact that I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in thirty years.

I have no career, no husband, no children, a POS car, and am renting a home which I share with my cousin. Do these things really make a person successful though? The closer I get to thirty the more I try to convince myself that they don't and I think I'm finally starting to believe it. Why does my idea of success have to be the same idea others?

I've still got another thirty to forty years of working in me so who cares if I don't have a steady career? I've worked in lots of different positions and have lots of experience and I think it's nice to have sampled different jobs so that I'm not stuck doing a boring job for decades on end. I do plan on going back to school to get my degree in accounting since I have been doing it for awhile now and like it a lot. Once I've got that done I'll feel much better. For now I'm just going to appreciate that I have the ability to work.

Since my mother started young I guess I always figured that I'd be married with kids by now as well. That just wasn't my path I suppose. In ways I'm glad I'm not tied down to a husband and kids. I like to do what I want when I want but it would be nice to have that extra love that comes with having them. My life is full of wonderful people who love me and the good thing about that is I won't have to worry about paying for a divorce or college :)

All in all I feel successful in my life without the things that are normally are equated to success. I've always said I'd rather be broke and happy then rich and miserable. I may not be able to afford to take crazy trips all around the world (nor do I have any desire to) but I have a lot of fun and to me that's just as important.

Thirty is going to be a new chapter for me. I believe it's going to be the year that things start getting even better for me in life, love, and friendship. I have a more positive attitude then I ever have in my life and I'm going to role with it. So day one of the countdown has begun and I'm embracing it!