There are several topics I have been avoiding writing about just because they make me sad or make me talk about stuff I'd rather ignore. I'm infamous for avoiding feelings. I guess there's no time like the present to start the not so fun stuff.
I have always wanted to be a mother. I was one of those little girls who played with my dolls for hours on end and they were all my babies. They all had special names and I was the best little mommy ever.
I like to believe that everyone has a purpose here on earth (even though for several dozen people I still wonder what theirs could possibly be!). For some reason I always thought mine was to be a mother. To bring wonderful little Crysie juniors into the world and raise them better then I was raised. There can never be enough tree lovers in the world ;)
The actual thought of being a mother terrified the shit out of me for many years. There are just so many things you can do wrong. You really can't control 100% how your child will turn out. You could be the best parent ever and give your child everything and they could still turn out to be a murderer. It happens! I worried I would be too paranoid of a parent because I'm already overly cautious (for most things) with myself. Seriously, I could probably go on for days about all the things I worried about bringing children into this world but I thought it would be worth it in the end.
When I was eighteen I started dating a guy that at the time didn't want to have kids. I figured we were young and he'd probably change his mind once we got older. Well years passed and he still didn't so I did eventually break it off with him because it was definitely something I wanted. At that point in life I wasn't willing to give up that dream.
Well I'm stupid and continued to love the guy regardless. I spent a couple years debating on what I would do. Was I willing to give up what I really wanted for the man I love. The answer is yes, I was ready to make that sacrifice. In the end it didn't matter anyway because that wasn't good enough.
I thought about it a lot for along time and the reality of me having children just wasn't likely. First of all I have never wanted to give birth to my own children. Once I learned where babies really came from I never wanted to be pregnant. This may seem odd since I wanted to have so many children but the whole process repulses me. I've seen a live birth and it was pretty amazing but still totally disgusting. There's few things as creepy as something living in you! Secondly adoption and surrogacy are expensive and such a long progress. There's no way I'll ever be close enough to having enough money to pay for either. Lastly, I don't want to have kids past the age of 35. I always wanted to be a "young" mom, and I don't mean sixteen and pregnant. My mother had all her children by the time she was twenty and it's nice to know she'll probably be around well past several of my friends parents. I don't want to be the sixty year old who has a kid graduating from high school. Since I was turning thirty in the coming up year I figured there wasn't much chance for me to fall in love with someone new and get the adoption process started so why bother.
Now I'm ok with my decision. Sure sometimes I get upset at the thought that no one will ever call me mom or that my niece will never have cousins from me. I think that will always linger a bit since it was something I wanted for so long.
People may think that I changed what I wanted in life to be what someone else desired. I had to think about it more because of the situation but it's not like. Really I couldn't even imagine my life with kids. I enjoy doing what I want to do when I want to do far too often and I despise being woke up. I think it has all worked out for the best.
I'm lucky to have many little ones in my life. I have two god children and two twelve year old girls I consider my own. They love me and I can enjoy all the great things about kids and still get to return them ;)
*Shawn, Samantha, Kyra, Shawn 2008
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