Day 28 - Things I'm thankful for

I'm only a couple days away from my birthday and my BFF suggested I do a blog about things I'm thankful for. As you can probably tell from reading my blog good thoughts haven't always came easily to me. Now I like to remind myself that I have a lot of good in my life and the happier I feel the happier I'll be in the end! So here are some different things & people I'm thankful for

*My health - All though I have been known to have random ailments I have never had to have a surgery and most of my health issues are quickly cured

*My Aunt Nae Nae - She's always given me praise and can always lift my spirits. I have felt a love from her unlike any other

*Music - I love that I can hear a song and be snapped out of a bad mood, even if it's just for three minutes. Singing makes me super happy and without music there would be none of that

*Tabitha Royce - Two people couldn't be more opposite in their belief but it's never stopped us. We've got twenty years behind us and I hope for fifty more in front of us. Tabby knows me better then most people and she still loves me! She shares her children and family with me and that makes me feel special

*Being strong - If I weren't strong willed I'd be dead by now, I'm sure of it.

*Lindsey Campbell - Although I haven't known her as long as most of my friends our bond is stronger then a lot of others. We know how to calm each other down and when a glass of wine is needed.

*Being creative - There are just so many things you can do when you are creative. I love making stuff and being crafty. I could spend hours doing scrapbooks or making things for friends.

*Kristin Stafford & Brie Dyer - Both of these ladies really encouraged me to step out of my comfort zones in the last three or four years. Each in their own way; Kristin with bullying me and Brie with understanding what I needed to hear.

*AC - I realize this may be a silly thing to be thankful for but I totally am. I am hot 90% of the time and I really strongly dislike being hot. I would much rather be cold, it's so much easier to warm up then cool down.

*Joe Campbell - This guy keeps it real. He's not afraid to hint that I'm being a bitch when he thinks I am and I think he's taught me patience throughout the years. He always seems to be in a good mood too which is inspiring these days lol

*Books - I love reading and imaging stories in my head as I read them. Thank goodness people are creative and knowledgeable enough to make this happen.

*Shawn & Samantha Wilson - They may be twelve now but they are still my babies. These girls are the closest thing to my own children I will ever have. I'm so grateful that I got to be such a big part of their life and I can't wait to see them grow into beautiful young adults.

*Graduating high school - Neither of my biological parents or my sister graduated high school and I was on my way to not graduating either. I'm thankful I'll pulled my head out of my ass and worked so hard to get that pretty little paper that still sits on my bookshelf (hopefully in a couple years I'll be grateful for my college degree)

*Grandma Myrt - Although I have a hard time remember many things about her I know she was a great lady. She pretty much raised my sister and I for several years when were children. Without her I don't know where we would have ended up.

*Being American - Of course I've only ever traveled to Canada but I have friends that have been many other places and I've heard the stories. We have issues like every other country but I feel lucky to live in a place where we have rights and some say in decisions.

*Ella Stichler - Really she may be the single thing I'm most grateful for in the whole world. She's so smart and loving and the pure joy in her face when she sees me could lift me higher then anything else in the world.

*Taurie, me, Samantha, and Shawn 2002

Day 27 - Love

What's love got to do with it? Love, I think it's an abused phrase really. People throw it around as if it were a dodgeball. Just telling person after person they love them. This is something I've never understood.

I have lots of girlfriends who seem to fall in love with every guy that talks to them. It's like a guy gives them attention and all of a sudden they are in love. This seems like it would be so exhausting and the idea is just so ridiculous to me. Only because I don't work like that though, I'm sure it's quite possible that they love these men so easily. If they are so in love them why do their relations seem to fail so easily?

Isn't this cycle rough on people? I have only been in love once and the pain of losing that love was enough to make me want to leave the state, literally! It was the hardest thing I have been through in my life. So are all these people who constantly fall in and out of love feeling like that when it ends every time? I'd have to be committed if love came and went from my life so often.

It's very interesting to me and I wonder what other peoples idea of love is. Like what makes them know they are in love? Love to me has always been feeling like I can't go on without this person in my life. As if without his love I am no longer am human. The butterflies you get when they touch you and all those good things. I guess it's just hard for me to understand because those feelings are so overwhelming to me and I couldn't imagine feeling them after just a couple months?

After the first time my heart was broken (yes it was broken by the same person twice) I had a really hard time with it. I never wanted to be in love again because of the pain from it. For years I avoided having any connection with men. I had a couple boyfriends but looking back I wasn't really even open to the idea of falling in love because it made me so vulnerable and I couldn't risk the heart ache again. Who knows what I may have missed out on by doing this.

The worst part is that I just ended up continuing to love the same guy. I'm about to turn thirty and I spent the better part of eleven years believing in a love I thought was so much stronger then it turned out to be. That's almost half my life! When the second heart break came it was ten times worse. I was depressed, embarrassed, and lost. It was so much worse because I knew I could never, ever, love him again. There's no way I will ever put myself through that again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times and I shouldn't be allowed to breed.

The good that came from it is that I have learned to be more open to falling in love. I know this seems strange but I just spent too many years fearing it and I don't want to do that. I want to live a life full of love and happiness and if I'm constantly denying myself feelings then that won't ever happen. My heart is open to it and I'm excited to feel that feeling again. So bring on the love 30! ;)

*Carl and I at dinner for my 20th Bday

Day 26 - Nesting

Why the hell am I nesting? Surely I'm not pregnant because it's just not possible, literally. I've never felt such a need to have things clean and uncluttered before. Perhaps "30" is my child? It's coming so soon now and I just need to prepare for it.

I want everything in my house to match suddenly. I've always been kind of a mismatchy person. I didn't care if things went together as long as I had everything I needed. Now I have all these mismatched items all over my house and it's slowly driving me crazy. I also want nice stuff now. Bargain is my middle name so I would often by stuff at garage sales and stuff and just go with it. This will no longer suffice though. Not having a job is really not helping me make my house more finished.

Since I've been jobless it hasn't given me a chance to go through some stuff and I'm starting to make progress. While doing this I have found some random things and just wondered why I ever kept them so long. I've always been the person to keep something because I may need it someday. Ouch, that adds up to a lot of crap! I certainly do not want to become a hoarder as I already have the title as cat lady. Mixing the two would definitely drive away my boyfriend now and any suitors to follow ;)

Maybe this is just apart of becoming the new and improve Crysie? I don't really like change much but this change is a comforting change. Like I'm really taking control of what I want and maybe have wanted for much longer. For years I feel like I held back from things I wanted and I can't really explain why but I've gained a new sense of freedom in the last several months. It's a good feeling to be uncluttering my life and I will for sure continue to do so.

*Me in 2008

Day 25 - Friends

I've been very blessed in my life to always have had a lot of friends. Growing up I made friends easily and I'm pretty awesome at keeping them. By that I mean I work hard at keeping my friendships alive. Even if I only see you a couple times a year I try to always make people feel wanted in my life. I find that a lot of people are lazy when it comes to friendships.

For me my friends have always been more of family then my real family ever was. They are the people I trust and rely on most. I've always spent more time with my friends then family and have even spent holidays with my friends family rather in my own at times.

Most of the friends I have I have had for ten plus years. It's makes me feel good to say I have had a consistent group of friends for so long. People grow and change and if you can change with your friends and still want to have them in your life it's a great feeling. I love being able to sit around and tell stories with my friends (although my memory sucks so usually I'm being reminded of great times lol).

There are always some that you don't keep around though. I am not a girl to be messed with. I take my friendships seriously and I know I'm a good friend so if someone is not a good friend to me then I don't need them in my life. I don't deal with liars or melodramatic people well. Whether I have known them a year or twenty if someone doesn't treat me right then I'll cut them out. I like to think I am not a dramatic person so I like to surround myself if like minded people. I don't go out of my way to create problems for people.

I'm a pretty good judge of character. There haven't been many times where I've got a bad feeling from someone and then been wrong. Some things are just easy to tell. Really I think it's mostly common sense! If you meet someone who is a crack head, liar or bitch then they are most likely going to stay a crack head, liar or bitch - right?? Don't get me wrong I believe people can change if they really want to but I also believe most people are too lazy to do so.

Over the years I have learned that just because you have known someone all your life does not mean they deserve to be in your life forever. Like I mentioned before people change and sometimes not for the better. A lot of it has to do with growing up too. When you've known the same people since you were young then it's easy to grow apart as you age. Everyone matures at different levels and it seems some people just never grow up at all. These days I just want to live a simple life and have people who are happy, honest, and caring in it.

I've also learned to cherish the really true friends I have. The people that I could call at midnight on a weeknight if I were stranded some where and they would come get me. The people that call, text, or write just to say hi. The people that include me in their life on a regular basis and not just to party. I used to just try to make everyone happy but in the end you know who your real friends are and they are the people that deserve your love the most.

*Sarah, Jacque, Kelly, Dallas, April, me, Mandy, Taurie, and Tricia 2003

Day 24 - Traveling

I'm not much of a traveler. I don't know if I ever have been since we were a poor family and vacations to us were camping trips. There's just something about being far from home that I don't like. It makes me uneasy. The older I get the less I like and the shorter my trips out of town get. This can be a good thing thought because traveling is expensive.

People are always talking about how they'd like to go all these places like out of the country and I just don't have that desire. There's nothing about going to a foreign country where I won't know the language that appeals to me. I could just see myself all frustrated in another country because I can't understand anything or anyone. Not exciting in my eyes.

Perhaps my fear of flying has taken over my brain? I've been scared of it for so long that it totally could have affected the way I think about traveling. Damn the brain again!

I feel like I should want to travel for some reason. Like it should be normal to want to explore new places and see cool things. I guess I'm just boring. I would like to open up more to the idea of it though.

*Me in Whistler, British Columbia, Canada 2000

Day 23 - Goals

I'm not really the kind of person who has ever set goals. Maybe it's because no one has ever expected much our of me? It's just not something I did in the past. I think I never thought I'd amount to much anyway so I figured I didn't need to think about the future.

My least favorite question in interviews is "where do you see yourself in five years". I never had an answer because I never think that far ahead. I live day to day and that has always seemed fine to me. Then one day I just felt like I needed something to aspire to. I have done ok for myself but I could always do better.

There has to be something for me to work towards. Without goals I feel like I'll never be driven to do anything with myself. There's a weird need for me to accomplish something more then I already have. This feeling has never been around before. Twenty-nine has brought so many weird new feelings and thoughts into my world. I'm not sure if it is because I dreaded thirty so much that I want to make sure that I lose all these "bad" habits before or what but it's kind of nice. It's almost like I"m nesting for turning thirty instead of for having a child.

I now have a list of things I want to do. Not just tomorrow or this month but in the next five years and in my life. I haven't been able to take many of the steps to make these things happen yet but it will all fall into place eventually. Now that I have the goals I need to learn how to make them happen.

*Kelly, Tissy, and I in Newport 1997

Day 22 - Anxiety

Anxiety is my least favorite thing in the whole world. I truly hate it. It has controlled too much of my life. People who have no experience with anxiety would just say to not let it control your life but that's easier said then done. As is the case with most things that torment our lives.

I had my first bout with anxiety when I was twenty. I was on Mt Hood with my boyfriend and best friend at the time and we were staying in a strange place and I just felt uncontrollable fear. There was no explained reason for it and it terrified me. I'd never experienced feelings like that before and I can still remember to this day how I felt. Which means a lot because I can't remember most things. Eventually I got calmed down and was able to get a couple hours of sleep. From there on it was down hill.

I'm sure everyone feels different when they are having a panic attack but it's all scary. Here are things I feel when I am having one; racing heart beat, hot, the urge to cry, like I can't swallow, I can't focus, and there's just this overwhelming feeling of having no control. Even now, nine years later, when I have them they take a toll on me. An average attack for me only lasts about ten minutes and usually if I have a panic attack I won't have another one in a day. Anxiety can be felt all day though. There have been several things I have missed because I just couldn't get rid of the feeling and didn't want it to turn into an attack while I was out in public.

After having a couple of attacks I had my mom take me to urgent care. I had no idea what was going on with me. They wanted to prescribe me some antidepressants but I refused. There was no way I wanted to depend on a drug to be "normal". The doctor explained that I was probably having panic attacks so I went home researched them. Right before I turned twenty-five I did hit a breaking point and did get on the antidepressants. Unfortunately they did not help with my anxiety at all.

I think the first year that I had them was probably the worst. Just because I didn't understand what was going on and it was so scary. I didn't realize how many people also dealt with these attacks either so at the time I felt like I was the only one. There was at least a week if not longer where I had horrible anxiety everyday and I really thought I was going to have to be committed.

Since my first panic attack I have learned to deal with it much better. I got a prescription for xanax for instant relief of an attack or pending doom feeling. I know some things that will inevitably make me have anxiety so I try my best to avoid them. I got into therapy as well where I learned I probably always had anxiety but just didn't realize it. Joy, another thing wrong with me for eternity. There is a ton of literature out there regarding anxiety and my favorite is From Panic to Power. This book really helped me at what was my weakest point in my "battle". Although my anxiety still exists (more then I'd like to admit) I try to push myself a little harder every year to do things I would normally avoid just so I wouldn't have to deal with an attack.

The brain is a crazy thing. You would think it would be so much easier to control but it's not. I'm not a huge fan of mine and wish I could get a new one. We all know that's impossible so I do what I can to live with the one I have. There are worse things in the world then having horrible anxiety and I'm aware of that but that little fact doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I know it's all in my head and so does every other person who suffers from panic attacks so just to let everyone know we don't need to be reminded of this fact ;)

*Me 1985