What's love got to do with it? Love, I think it's an abused phrase really. People throw it around as if it were a dodgeball. Just telling person after person they love them. This is something I've never understood.
I have lots of girlfriends who seem to fall in love with every guy that talks to them. It's like a guy gives them attention and all of a sudden they are in love. This seems like it would be so exhausting and the idea is just so ridiculous to me. Only because I don't work like that though, I'm sure it's quite possible that they love these men so easily. If they are so in love them why do their relations seem to fail so easily?
Isn't this cycle rough on people? I have only been in love once and the pain of losing that love was enough to make me want to leave the state, literally! It was the hardest thing I have been through in my life. So are all these people who constantly fall in and out of love feeling like that when it ends every time? I'd have to be committed if love came and went from my life so often.
It's very interesting to me and I wonder what other peoples idea of love is. Like what makes them know they are in love? Love to me has always been feeling like I can't go on without this person in my life. As if without his love I am no longer am human. The butterflies you get when they touch you and all those good things. I guess it's just hard for me to understand because those feelings are so overwhelming to me and I couldn't imagine feeling them after just a couple months?
After the first time my heart was broken (yes it was broken by the same person twice) I had a really hard time with it. I never wanted to be in love again because of the pain from it. For years I avoided having any connection with men. I had a couple boyfriends but looking back I wasn't really even open to the idea of falling in love because it made me so vulnerable and I couldn't risk the heart ache again. Who knows what I may have missed out on by doing this.
The worst part is that I just ended up continuing to love the same guy. I'm about to turn thirty and I spent the better part of eleven years believing in a love I thought was so much stronger then it turned out to be. That's almost half my life! When the second heart break came it was ten times worse. I was depressed, embarrassed, and lost. It was so much worse because I knew I could never, ever, love him again. There's no way I will ever put myself through that again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times and I shouldn't be allowed to breed.
The good that came from it is that I have learned to be more open to falling in love. I know this seems strange but I just spent too many years fearing it and I don't want to do that. I want to live a life full of love and happiness and if I'm constantly denying myself feelings then that won't ever happen. My heart is open to it and I'm excited to feel that feeling again. So bring on the love 30! ;)
*Carl and I at dinner for my 20th Bday
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